Dear Diary…Today The F*ckin’ Cell Phones Crapped Out


April 3rd, 2013

6:45 AM: I am awakened by a bright flash that seems to illuminate the morning sky.  What the hell was that?  I immediately reach for my iPhone to check for what happened.  Shit.  My phone doesn’t even turn on.  I go to my roommate’s room and his phone doesn’t work either.  I now realize my worst fear has come to fruition….all cell phones are now just useless pieces of plastic.  My first class isn’t for another 3 hours so I decide to sleep a little and see if the phones work when I wake up.

10:01 AM:  I awake in a panic.  I overslept and now I’m late for class.  How did that happen?  Oh yeah, my alarm was set on my phone and that’s dead.  I rush to class and apologize to the teacher, but as I look around the class there are at least 6 other students not here yet.  Halfway through the class I get bored as hell.  I can’t check my Facebook, Instagram, Wall Street Journal, Snapchats or Tinder, so I resort to doodling small pictures of animals in ironic situations.  My first picture is of a lion (lyin’) swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Next to him is a cheetah (cheater) telling a woman he is in a loving relationship with his wife and refuses to commit adultery.   My entertainment is short-lived and now I have to pay attention again.

11:00 AM: Class ends and I am hungry.  I told my friends I would meet them at the Bison at 11:05, but I have to meet a Professor really quick uphill.  I get to the Bison at 11:21 (I got distracted by some chick on the walk over and had a 5 minute conversation).  None of my friends are at the Bison.  I reach into my pocket to give them a call…..damn, I forgot. I decide to grab a table near the TV which is currently airing LIVE with Michael & Kelly, and try to change the channel to ESPN but the damn remote never works in that place.  After 10 minutes of waiting, my friends never show up.  I end up ordering my food and eating alone as I watch Michael Strahan make a fool of himself.  The same girl that I saw on the walk over now sees me eating alone and watching this show…I feel embarrassed.  She giggles directly at me and looks over to her friends to point me out.  They all laugh.  Awkward and alone, I wish I had my phone to act like I actually had friends I was talking to.  Instead, I put my jacket around the chair next to me, a couple used napkins and my drink infront of the other seat, and my backpack on the back of the last seat, making it look like my friends have stepped out for the moment but will return shortly.  At 11:45 I see my friends walking by and I asked them what happened.  They told me they waited but never heard from me, so they went upstairs to the cafe…after all, it was blackened beef salad day and they couldn’t resist.

12:02 PM:  We are walking back to our downtown house when someone brings up the TV show Full House.  “What was Uncle Jesse’s band’s name again?”  This question haunts me because it is on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t recall.  I wish I had my phone to give a quick Google search, but that option is out.  Now I have the unsettling feeling in my head (you know exactly what I’m talking about) and NEED to find this answer.  The next half hour is spent in deep thought, but I’m coming up empty.  Well, my day is now ruined.

3:37 PM:  I get in my car to drive to an obscure store out in the country in search of a birthday gift for my mother.  Somewhere along the way I must have taken a wrong turn.  I am now in a random Pennsylvania town with absolutely no idea of how to get back home.  At this point I usually breakout the Maps app, but just like every other problem I had durung the day, I don’t have my phone.  Now I have to ASK for directions and write them down on a piece of paper (which I don’t have so I end up using a page from the owner’s manual).  On my way home, I have to continuously look down to read the directions.  Out of nowhere, a telephone pole jumps directly into my path (or I drifted off the road…the details are still being worked out) and I have to swerve like a madman to avoid it.  I hit a ditch and my front axel gets ruined.  My car is totaled and I am SCREWED.  I stumble to the nearest gas station to find a landline and contact my house.  I get to the phone but realize I haven’t memorized a phone number since I got my cell phone.  My house number was recently switched and I never took the time to commit it to memory.  Why would I when it was saved in my phone and on the Cloud?  Turns out I have no way of calling my house so I give up.  After an hour of waiting, I finally get a taxi company to bring me home from this distant land.  I go to pay the man and the price is higher than expected.  I want to check my bank statement before I overdraft my account to pay for this, but I can’t because I can’t access internet on the go and I don’t remember my password because it’s saved on my phone.  So I use the card anyway because I don’t have cash and ‘whaddaya’ know, I overdraft.

8:08 PM: I go out for few drinks with my buddies.  My one friend gets WAY too intoxicated and decides he is going to dance on the bar.  Well I want to document this so I have blackmail over my friend for years to come, but realize I can’t because my phone also doubles as my camera.  This one is just going to have to be a memory, and I am not a fan of that.  He’s lucky this time.  After a few more drinks I begin to fraternize with the lady-folk.  One gives me her phone number just in case the phones start working, and like a fool I put the napkin in my pocket.  An hour later my drunk friend spills his Irish Car Bomb on my lap and I lose this chick’s number.  Damnit.  I don’t even remember her name.  I feel like an idiot and now I have no shot of even facebooking this fine young lady.

11:59 PM:   I am laying in my bed…alone…drunk.  I feel like I could use some company this evening, so I go to my phone to send the classic late night text, “You up?”  Well, I can’t do that.  This sucks.  All day I have had problems and not a single one was solved.  OH SHIT! It was Jesse & The Rippers!  That was Uncle Jesse’s band’s name.  Well at least one problem was solved.  My life is miserable without my phone.  I pray that when I wake up the phones work again.  As for now, goodnight cruel world.

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9 thoughts on “Dear Diary…Today The F*ckin’ Cell Phones Crapped Out

  1. This post is great. You describe daily occurrences where I, or anyone else, would use a smartphone. What happens when we can’t in that particular situation? How are our lives affected by these little devices? I like how you even describe every aspect of what a smartphone can do. Alarm clock, call, internet, GPS, video, contact list, and text. All situations that probably everyone has faced at some point in their college career that gets solved easily with a smartphone. So the question is, have smartphones become essential to our daily lives?

  2. Awesome post! I really liked reading about all the different creative situations that could easily be solved with a smartphone. However life so much more complicated when the device that we depend so much on is dead. The world would actually be in disarray without cell phones because people’s lives are dependent on them. As cell phones evolved and became more “smart”, our society has slowly become more depended. It is difficult now a days to look around a classroom and not see at least one people texting. When something memorable happens, people pull out their iPhone not their camera. They document it on Instagram or Facebook not in a scrapbook. Our way of life has completely changed and your diary entry is a perfect description of what life would be life when people are forced to be detached from their phones.

    • It would be interesting to see how hopeless the world would be if all technology crashed and information was lost. I know I would be screwed because I have no backup of my information anywhere. If my computer crashes I lose all of my work, there is nothing I can do about it. I should probably consider writing some things down every once in a while and investing in a file cabinet.

  3. “My first picture is of a lion (lyin’) swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Next to him is a cheetah (cheater) telling a woman he is in a loving relationship with his wife and refuses to commit adultery.”

    Did you just make those up? Clever.

    • It’s a drink…you have half a glass of Guinness and then you drop a shot into it. The shot is half Jameson and half Bailey’s. Once you drop it in there you chug it.

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